Following lengthy conversations with my daughter and fiance over the weekend, I have decided to revive my largely dormant Tumblr account and use it for good instead of evil.

Welcome to this first installment of “Ol’ Doc Riser’s Traveling Ask a Dick” show.

Ladies, are you married to, dating or otherwise hung up on a man who can only be characterized as a dick? Does his churlish, unsympathetic and downright rude behavior vex you sorely? Are you incapable of grasping the motives behind actions which, when seen through the lens or the female mind, seem unfathomably stupid and hurtful?

Wonder no more. Old Doc Riser is not only the president of the International Society of Dicks, he’s also a member. Through painstaking research, three marriages and an array of relationships with women of all levels of maturity and sanity, he has dedicated his life to being, educating and understanding the Dickus Commonus Americanus. You may now benefit from his wisdom by …. dah dah da DAAAAHHHHH … Asking a Dick.

Do you want to know why your boyfriend or husband is being a dick about something? Ask me and I’ll tell you. Straight up, in simple English designed to be understandable to women. Since I’m not dating you, I won’t rationalize or sugar coat it. You know you’ll be getting the straight answer you’ve always wanted … and perhaps feared.

Please refrain from asking questions such as “Why is my (boyfriend/husband/guy I just met) a dick?” We just are. We can’t help it. It’s as impossible for us to stop being jerks as it is for you to stop being crazy.

I’m also not interested in hearing from women who are married to or dating wonderful men without a dick bone in their bodies. They’re not nice guys. They’ve just had their spirits crushed by your relationship, leaving them soulless automatons too weak and weary to drink a beer, play x-box and fart in their own homes. These men should be rescued and deprogrammed, not help up as examples to my kind.

That being said, let’s open up the lines of communication. Ladies, I await your questions.

Disclaimer: Old Doc Riser is not a medical doctor. Taking his advice seriously has been linked to madness, being single and, in extreme cases, murder  His degrees in philosophy, psychology and religion are largely honorary and were granted by secret societies in rituals held in the dead of night in Morocco, Myanmar, Mexico and Braaaaaaa ….. ziiillllll, where hearts were entertained in June, we stood beneath an amber moon …