A lifetime of intense personal research has led to the conclusion that women are born insane and become more crazy with each passing year. As the insanity progresses, they pass through a series of distinct phases. I offer the following guide in the hope that it will save at least one male from being dragged into insanity himself by trying to understand them.

1: Ages 0-12: Cute kid crazy. They do many things which are, frankly, hilarious, but more or less harmless. It’s also the only stage in which they are not actively plotting the downfall of some poor guy.

2: Ages 13-16: Hormonal rage crazy. All they think about is boys and hating their parents for interfering with their plotting.

3: Ages 17-34: Fun crazy. This is the optimum range for associating with females. They’re completely insane but it’s a fun kind of crazy. They’ll pull you out of your comfort zone and make you do things you know are stupid and crazy but somehow you end up enjoying them. Without these women, bars, parties, festivals, LARP and anything else requiring music, dancing and socializing would not exist.

4: Ages 35-50: Scary crazy. They’re like wet dynamite, completely unstable and ready to go off on anyone with or without a reason. If asked, they will insist they are being strong and independent but really they’re just mad at everything and taking it out on you because you’re there.

5: Ages 51-65: Amateurs believe this is the only period in a woman’s life when she approaches sanity. Wrong. They just give guys a break during these years because they’re usually too busy warring with their daughters and nieces who are going through Stage 2 insanity to notice us.

6: Ages 66 and above: Crazy old lady insanity. They just don’t care anymore. Coupled with society’s willingness to let crazy old ladies get away with murder, this is easily the period when the female is deadliest. But they can be also be pretty hilarious … because by this point they know they’re crazy and enjoy using that to its full advantage.